Chad

This is Chad. Chad is in the special class because, well, he bites. He wears a sign each day on his shirt as a warning to those he may come in contact with. The mittens ducktaped to his hands prevent him from removing these signs, or causing bodily harm with them.
Some of his signs have included:

DON'T TOUCH, BITES
DO NOT CORNER
ANGERED BY SNIVELING
TOUCHING (with a big red line through it)
SPOOKED BY APPLAUSE
GOES FOR EYES

and my personal favorite:

SEIZURES MAY BE A TRAP

Now don't get me wrong. My child will not be a monster (nor a redhead) like Chad, but one sure fire way to keep bullies away is to wear a different shirt with a sign each day. Instead of the clever "Trust me. I'm a professional" my kid would wear "WARNING: FINGERS LOOK LIKE HOTDOGS"

Just a thought.

Who's up for a road trip?

It's a bird
It's a plane
HOLY CRAP IT'S A CARNOTAURUS!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnotaurus

Drug-Free Christmas

You better watch out

You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why

Theresa Clause is coming

and if you're bad
she'll eat you.

Mans best Machine

I wish I had discovered this sooner. I guess only people who wash their hands get rewarded.

Quiz Time: Favorite Goonie **ANSWER**

The answer was: D. Data
For an update on all the other characters:
http://clarkandheptner.blogspot.com/2009/04/whatever-happened-to-goonies.html

Quiz Time: Favorite Goonie

Which of the following is your favorite Goonie:

A. Mouth
B. Mikey
C. Chunk
D. Data

Don't get this one wrong. Make me proud people.

Vroom vroom

Robert,
The Emperor called and left you a message. By the way, where the heck are you?
-Your brother.

Urinal Cake! Who's Birthday?

Probably someone we don't like.

So I think I could totally make some money writing jingles for urinal cake manufacturers. I'm not sure how large the market is, but it can't be too small. I mean, half of the population has the option of using a urinal on a regular basis, and I'm sure at least a few million choose to do so. Anywho, here we go:

Bathroom stinks
Don't know what to do
Just un-zip
To fight the awful poo

Pee on a urinal cake!
Let go of the hate
Pee on a urinal cake!
Choose your own fate

Just wet it down
To release that aroma
Mail us today
For your urinal diploma!

Pee on a urinal cake!
Don't breath the stink
Pee on a urinal cake!
Take a piss on the pink

One of these days I'll put it to a catchy tune. Until then, do the world a favor: Have your cake and pee on it too.



All urinal cakes must wash hands returning to work.

ART: Momma Bird

If you had to, would you do it?


I sure would. Heck, I'd even regurgitate food for baby alligators. Though I'd have on stipulation. No green stuff. This homie don't play that.

Land of the Lost: Richmond Style

Where do hobos come from? What do hobos do all day? When they get hungry, do they eat pigeons? If hobos stopped eating pigeons, would pigeon overpopulation threaten city life as we know it?

Some may consider the hobos a spark of character for the city, or a "fact of life" when living in an urban environment. Personally, I think hobos bring as much character as a herd of rabid ally cats. (I'd hate to be the shepard of that herd. Sorry, no picture.)

I can only think of two possible solutions to this problem/crisis which plagues the city.

PLAN A: Hobo Zoo
Take all the hobos and put them in a zoo. Works for me.
"Mom, what's that smell?"
"I think it's the elephant cage, dear. No. No, it's the hobo cage.

Unfortunately, due to "the economy" this isn't an option.

PLAN B: Mars Rover meets RoboCop

Richmond VA.
The jewel of Virginia, that doesn't look much like a jewel, because it's covered in trash and hobo urine.

Bad Habits: Smoking

For the efficient pack-per-day smoker:

And for those wondering,
Yes, I knew this guy.
Yes, it was my idea.
Yes, I took this picture.

No, he didn't make it through freshman year.

Quiz Time: Coolest Super Hero

It's that time again! Time to play, QUIZ TIME. Today's question:

AND THE ANSWER IS...

Which Super Hero is the coolest:

A. Superman
B. Spiderman
C. Batman
D. Aquaman

DUH. He can fly, Lift really big stuff, stop bullets, etc. But most of all, his inspiration comes from Carlie Brown.

Good job to all of you who chose Superman. Everyone that got this answer right gets $10.

Am I the Only One?

Has anyone every asked you what you want for Christmas, and you answer "I want a pony" and the person laughs and walks away, then come Christmas, no pony?

I know Santa, and the excuse I get is, "Ho ho ho, a pony is too big to lug around all Christmas eve."

Well, Santa, I have a few thoughts on that topic.
1. Avoid lugging all night. Come to my house first.
2. I see people in commercials getting cars as gifts. Are they heavier then a Pony?
3. Pizza.Another cheap trick is getting some fake plastic pony.Maybe the elves need to make ponies that can fly, like reindeer, with computer chips in their brains that guide them to kids houses. I totally want a flying pony with a guidance system, kinda like a living breathing RIDE-ABLE tomahawk cruise missile! I'd be the coolest kid on the block.

Santa must have a real issue with scope creep.

I Saw the Sign...

Exit signs are unique. Small glowing red signs that stay lit all the time, day or night, power or no power. Whether there is an emergency or not, they let you know how to get from inside to outside with minimal thought. Great idea, don't you think? I sure do. That's why I think the work needs more signs like the exit sign.Yes, most places have bathroom signs, but is that enough? They don't catch the eye like the glowing exit sign, and if you're behind a corner, there isn't a sign to tell you which direction to go. What if the power goes out and you need to go to the bathroom? Would you just take a do do on the floor? What if the lights come back on, and someone catches you popping a squat, and records it with there cell phone? What if they put that recording on youtube, and you boss sees it. What if your boss declares that bathrooms are unnecessary, turns them into more cubicles and makes everyone use the hallway for there "business"? What if the janitorial staff doesn't clean it up because "it's not in the contract"???
You would have to spend half your paycheck on air fresheners, and you'd probably contract a deadly disease or two.

Less exit signs, more bathroom signs. Call your congressman today!



(I would have made this a million dollar idea, but I fear the profit potential could undermine the dire importance.)

Quiz Time: Favorate Cookies

And the answer is:

Which cookie do you enjoy most:

A. Sugar Cookie
B. Chocolate Chip Cookie
C. Oatmeal Cookie
D. Gingerbread Cookie

You enjoy Chocolate chip cookies the most! Good job to all of you who chose B. That's good job to half of Theresa's answer. (In the future, dual answers will be automatically counted wrong)

Thank you for playing, and have a nice day!

Superhero or Supervillain: Fishman

It's a bird, it's a plane, no.. IT'S FISHMAN!

Born and raised in a small town near a lake, our hero/villain learned quickly how to use his abilities.

Bullies on the school playground would make fun of him for eating peanut butter sandwiches (Fishman really like butter and peanuts.) In the blink of an eye, he would fall on the ground, flopping around and gasping for air. In a state of panic, his assailants quickly began to panic and fled the scene.

This new found power made going to school impossible from this point on, and he spent most of his time working for a local fast food restaurant.

Unfortunately the question still remains: Hero or Villain? Stay tuned to find out!

Poem 2

POOPY PANTS
By ME

I'm so glad
I don't have poopy pants
smells real bad
I even kill the plants!
I'm so proud
I'm making a milk shake
not pooping pants
is easy as cake

I'm so glad
I don't have poopy pants
my milk shake
is filling up with ants!
I hate ants
they are not so fun
so i will
shoot them with my gun

I'm so glad
I don't have poopy pants
you're glad too
lets do a little dance!
We'll hop and skip
and run and jump
And then we'll - WAIT -
I just took a dump.

Wishes... Dream a dream. Wishes... Set it free!

If I had one wish, I would wish for a million more wishes.
Then I would wish for a dollar, a million times.
Then wish I had one more wish to wish for all the time I spent wishing back.

Wishing sucks.

Is That Healthy: Eating Bouillon Cubes

I really like gravy, and I enjoy more salt then the average human. Thus I like bouillon cubes. It's that handy dandy snack that says "I'm a successful young man who has not time to carry around a bowl full of gravy." One handy dandy cube could last me an hour of pure meaty delight. All it takes is a little nibble, and my mouth explodes into a flavorful celebration complete with mountains of gravy and thousands of dancing leprechauns!

(they're magical and can live in my mouth.)

As wonderful as the bouillon cube and it's close relative, the ramen flavor packet are, sometimes I worry. Is it right that I spend so much time in this trance like state of bouillon bliss? It's a tough call to make. I feel that this behavior I have developed is ok, and I can quit any time. Others have a theory this stuff is just unbleached cocaine. That's got to be a lie. Cocain doesn't come in cubes or little foil pouches. Come on people.

Chicken or beef? That is the question.

Tested on Animals

Hot Shot Roach and Ant Killer. "Kills on Contact!"So this stuff kills insects, but how about mammals? I think I'll do some testing of my own, and then market this product as "Bat-B-Dead" with a 300% price increase.


How come PETA doesn't care about the feelings of insects?

Million Dollar Ideas: Reusable Ice Cubes

There are several things wrong with ice cubes. I can fix all of those problems, and make them the ultimate drink cooler downer. In fact, this may be a two million dollar idea!

The biggest problem is the creation of the ice cubes. Right now, you have 3 options:

1. Buy ice at a store
2. Use an ice machine in your freezer
3. Fill and freeze ice trays
4. Live in an igloo friendly climate (not an option for most of us)

The problem with buying ice at a store is quite simply the amount of effort. It costs money, and can melt on the trip back, but the actual trip is what deters most potential ice buyers. If it's hot outside, and you want ice inside, you'd have to drive to the store (in the heat), buy the ice, and then drive back (in the heat) and that's just plain silly.

Ice makers are great, but expensive. If you've got one, then you probably already have a million dollars of something of equal or greater value. I hate you. If you give me your ice maker, maybe we can be friends. Maybe...

And lastly, ice trays. 87% of Americans use ice trays to provide them with fresh, clean, three dimensional chunks of ice. Less then 3% of those people enjoy filling up those trays (usually seen wearing hockey helmets). While this may not compare with taking a trip to a store to get ice, it's still extra effort.
Don't:

• spill the water
• fill the trays up too high
• under fill the trays
• knock them over in the freezer
• try to use them before the water is fully frozen
• let anyone fill the trays with poison

Who wants to deal with a"Don't" list this large? I sure don't. I bet you don't either. So don't look any farther! The solution lies with reusable ice cubes. A solid outer shell and a quick freezing inside.

With this new invention, you'll never have to fill or spill ice trays again! Just throw them in the freezer and take them out when you need something coldified.

Cold soda that isn't watered down by ice? Stop the presses!

Million Dollar Ideas: Bad Idea Hat

We all have friends that have kept us from doing stupid things, like canoeing in a lightning storm or drinking the entire can of concentrate. Unfortunately, due to work, sleep and other stuff, those friends can't keep you in check all the time. Now who's going to persuade you to do the right thing?

Never fear! The Bad Idea Hat is here!
It's everything you wanted, AND MORE!

Since crickets can't talk, and I've never meet a cricket named Jiminy, I've created the next best thing. The Bad Idea Hat straps to your head, and links directly with your brain. When you think a bad idea, the hat sends electric signals to your arm which persuades you to rethink your actions.Say goodbye to:

• using your cell phone while driving
• smoking in front of children
• picking your nose too much
• borrowing money with your car title
  

And much much more!

Buy 4 of my apples...

The economy is in bad shape. I mean bad shape. It's almost a triangle, and I won't stand for it any longer.

Blankets. Not just for warmth.

A long time in the sun doing yard work sucks. A long time in the sun doing any work sucks. Going inside isn't an end to the agony. The A/C may be nice, you can't sit anywhere! No one wants a pool of sweat seeping through the butt grove of their couch or recliner. Walking upstairs to take a shower is out of the question, as you are exhausted from working outside. What ever will you do!?

Look no further, as the magical interwebs have provided me with a solution:

Product Page

YES! It's Shire's Arctic Blast Cooling Rug! It's so big, it can fit a horse! Never be caught without one folks. This may seem like opposite day, but it's not. They make blankets that cool you down now. With this new invention I believe the scientists can get closer to the sun without over heating, which is a big problem.

Has anyone seen my meds?

Escalators: Moving Mankind Forward... and upward

I've always been fascinated by escalators and their retarded cousin, the moving walkway. We've all been on them at the airport. We've all been stuck behind some group of people who don't want to walk on the moving walkway. But then again, why would you want to double your walking speed? I you wanted to do that, you could just run on an non-moving walkway.

- WHAT!? - It's a moving walk-way?

If you don't want to move a muscle, I'm okay with that. Just do so in a manner that does not disturb those around you. Moving walkway and escalator etiquette dictates that rules of the road apply:

1. Slower traffic (including stopped traffic) must yield the left side to faster traffic.
2. All traffic will move in the same direction.
3. Don't be a douche.

Those in violation of these rules, or the use of "asphyxiating gas, or any other kind of gas, liquids, substances or similar materials" as outlined by Geneva Protocol, shall receive no mercy.

For all of you architects out there: WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

I understand that people are lazy, but this is flipping ridiculous. This has nothing to do with ADA because people in wheelchairs can't use escalators. This escalator serves ONLY the lazy. And you guessed it! It's in NJ. Home of the tallest trash heap and the shortest escalator.

I guess it could have alternative uses...

Robert, install an escalator to man-town and I'll give you $20.

Blog Post Test

Blog blog blog. Blogging is fun

Poem 1

When you're bored at summer camp, what else are you supposed to do them write poetry?

In the end, at the gate
Realize your waited fate
For deep inside I've sealed your doom
In the confines of a dusty room.
Body perish, soul does not
And all thy flesh shall slowly rot
And on your body, warm and hot
Shall I feast
For I am the beast.

Who says poems don't need to rhyme? Poems that don't rhyme stink.
This post is boring without a picture, so if someone has a fitting image (sunshine, rainbows, lolly pops, etc.) send it/them to me and I'll put it/them up.

Hiccups Stink

The hiccups are awful. I think that I should get a temporary handicapped sticker when I have the hiccups. I doubt that would cure me, or even make me feel a little better, but i would warn others to stay away, especially if I'm holding hot or sharp objects. Plus, I'd be able to park closer to stuff!

Million Dollar Ideas: Water Bed Pants

"Water bed pants. Here's how to order..." Without any explanation, they already have you sold. Everyone likes water beds, and everyone wears pants (you don't have to like them) so why not put them together!? They go together like peanut butter and jelly, a bow and arrow, and pepperoni on your tombstone. My only question is, why did no one think of this before?

That's right folks. They haven't been invented, because I'm a genius and the people who invent stuff are lesser geniuses. But enough about my awesomeness, and back to the product.

Water bed pants are like regular pants, but better! They have an outer layer the fills up with water, and an inner layer that keeps you dry. Every time you sit down, it's like you're sitting on a water bed! Hard chair = water bed. Rock = water bed. You can't loose! And that's not all.

Home made, PORTABLE aquarium!
(stick to gold fish and small turtles)

Life Preserver! Just fill them with air instead of water! It's that easy!

The possibilities are endless. I've got a few more that are fresh in my mind which do not have pictures.

• The jello option
• Helium legs
• Shaved ice (requires a large freezer)
  
• Water bed knee pads

Stop wearing boring pants, stop wearing a boring life.

Halloween, Santa Style

So how come nobody ever dresses up like Santa for Halloween? Don't little kids think he's scary? Why, who knows. Maybe they think he steals little boys and girls and makes them build toys in the north pole for food. That would be horrible. I can think of a few other reasons...


I think it would also give Santas some practice handing out candy. Think about this one people. The stores put out Christmas trees in October, so this would totally work. Trust me. I'm a professional.

Craziest Day EVER

So I was walking down the street the other day minding my business when a school bus full of monkeys drove by. I thought it was very strange, but yelled "can i get a banana" and sure enough, a monkey threw me a banana from a window. What I didn't ask for followed the banana. It was feces!
The worst part about the whole thing was that I opened my mouth to catch the banana, but the poop was more aerodynamic and would hit me first.But all of the sudden, faster then a speeding bullet, a mysterious caped girl leaped from the bushes and headbutted the feces as it was only millimeters from my beautiful face. Dazed and confused with a mouth full of banana, I turned to see who my super sonic savior was. I only caught these two letters on her cape as she fled across the street. "P.F."

na na na na na na na na POOP FACE!

Shark Tank

If you were being chased by a tank, and you just couldn't out run it, you're screwed, unless...
Use the safety zone between the treads! Nothing can hurt you there. If by the off chance, you have a light saber, you can pull a Luke Skywalker and throw a thermal detonator inside while you're down there.

Seeing that I'd most likely be in the tank trying to run people over, I've been thinking of a way to make the safety zone unsafe. I have determined the most hazards solution is a row of sharks tied to the bottom side of the tank. They wouldn't be just any ol' sharks either. These sharks would be hungry, hungry for human flesh.So, would you rather be run over by the very large, very heavy tank or eaten by the man eating sharks?

Dream Jobs

Everyone dreams of their dream job as a kid (Fireman, Policeman, Astronaut, Yeomen Farmer) but they are often lame and rarely come true. I figured, since I'm all growed up, my dream occupations should change. So, here's my top 3:

3: Wage/Happiness Analyst
This job would consist of gradually increasing my salary, and documenting it's effect on my behavior and "feelings." With the left over money, I would buy you all cars. Geo Metros for everyone!

(Note the solid gold cane. Not a cripple, just classy)

2: Flying Car Crash Test Coordinator
Don't knock this job before you know what it entails. Setting up a regular crash test is no big deal. Put car A in front of car B and hit the gas. Smash, you've got a crash test. With the advent of flying cars right around the corner, someone's got to figure this crashing business out in 3D. I've got a few ideas floating around, mainly using water cannons. Life would be good.

1: Stab Tester (doing the stabbing, not being stabbed)
I think people should know how their knives hold up when compared to other knives in a stab-off. This could even become a tv show, like battle bots or iron chef. I can just see it now... "But can his knife stab through all three of the flowerpots AND the frozen watermelon? Stab tester, you have 1 minute to stab. GO!"
What would your dream job be? (That's your cue to comment)

What is a horse shoe?

What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks?

NO. There are no horse socks. Why, you ask. Well, it has to do with the whole HORSES DON'T WEAR SHOES. "Horse shoes" look and function nothing like shoes. They are almost like sandals, but still way off. I'm really sick of people saying horse shoe this and horse shoe that. I think it should be changed to horse hoof plates. Aside from the rare few who would wonder why anyone would eat off something a horse's hoof had been on, there would be little confusion.
This new name would also make the game more fun. We all throw shoes (on our feet, into the closet, at our loved ones) but when do you ever throw plates? If I didn't have so many frisbees laying around, I probably would, but I consider that an exception. Kids around the globe would make this game the new hottest thing, like the iphone or my little pony. "Hey mom, I'm going out to throw plates with my friends!" Who could resist?
And where was Mr. Ed during all this naming business? The one horse that can talk human chooses to "not have an opinion" on the subject. If I were a horse, I would have kicked his big horse butt for letting this one slide. Oh phooey.

I think a horse sock should be the term for sock larger then soccer socks.

BUG WARS: The Search for Allies

Bugs. They're mean, green, and largely unclean. What good are they anyway?
ANSWER: No Good
Bugs bug the crap out of me. They have declared war on the human race, and I say we respond to their devilish actions. Buzzing, biting and sucking the blood of those I hold dear. Enough is enough. Who's with me!?
In my quest to rid the world of the foul hell beasts we call "insects" I will need as much help as I can get. I've got the anteaters and the frogs on my side already. Unfortunately, their tongues are only a small step along the trail to victory.

I've paid off a few of the enemy to viciously attack their own. I gave the ladybugs double their lands in my back yard. The praying mantis' turned for much less.

One creature did show a great deal of potential for this epic war. The Smelly Pile, or who I call the Poop Monster, is a distant relative of the venus fly trap. It looks like a blob of poo poo and smells like one too.The smell attracts flies who can not resist the smell of fresh poop.
When the flies are over head, the poop monster shoots short range lightning bolts and fries their little wings off. The plumit into the warm steemy goo that is the poop monster where they will be slowly digested and used to attract more flies.

The bug war is on.