Friday, July 31, 2009

Million Dollar Ideas: Bad Idea Hat

We all have friends that have kept us from doing stupid things, like canoeing in a lightning storm or drinking the entire can of concentrate. Unfortunately, due to work, sleep and other stuff, those friends can't keep you in check all the time. Now who's going to persuade you to do the right thing?

Never fear! The Bad Idea Hat is here!
It's everything you wanted, AND MORE!

Since crickets can't talk, and I've never meet a cricket named Jiminy, I've created the next best thing. The Bad Idea Hat straps to your head, and links directly with your brain. When you think a bad idea, the hat sends electric signals to your arm which persuades you to rethink your actions.Say goodbye to:
  • using your cell phone while driving
  • smoking in front of children
  • picking your nose too much
  • borrowing money with your car title
And much much more!

Buy 4 of my apples...

The economy is in bad shape. I mean bad shape. It's almost a triangle, and I won't stand for it any longer.

Blankets. Not just for warmth.

A long time in the sun doing yard work sucks. A long time in the sun doing any work sucks. Going inside isn't an end to the agony. The A/C may be nice, you can't sit anywhere! No one wants a pool of sweat seeping through the butt grove of their couch or recliner. Walking upstairs to take a shower is out of the question, as you are exhausted from working outside. What ever will you do!?

Look no further, as the magical interwebs have provided me with a solution:

YES! It's Shire's Arctic Blast Cooling Rug! It's so big, it can fit a horse! Never be caught without one folks. This may seem like opposite day, but it's not. They make blankets that cool you down now. With this new invention I believe the scientists can get closer to the sun without over heating, which is a big problem.

Has anyone seen my meds?

Escalators: Moving Mankind Forward... and upward

I've always been fascinated by escalators and their retarded cousin, the moving walkway. We've all been on them at the airport. We've all been stuck behind some group of people who don't want to walk on the moving walkway. But then again, why would you want to double your walking speed? I you wanted to do that, you could just run on an non-moving walkway.

- WHAT!? - It's a moving walk-way?

If you don't want to move a muscle, I'm okay with that. Just do so in a manner that does not disturb those around you. Moving walkway and escalator etiquette dictates that rules of the road apply:
  1. Slower traffic (including stopped traffic) must yield the left side to faster traffic.
  2. All traffic will move in the same direction.
  3. Don't be a douche.
Those in violation of these rules, or the use of "asphyxiating gas, or any other kind of gas, liquids, substances or similar materials" as outlined by Geneva Protocol, shall receive no mercy.

For all of you architects out there: WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

I understand that people are lazy, but this is flipping ridiculous. This has nothing to do with ADA because people in wheelchairs can't use escalators. This escalator serves ONLY the lazy. And you guessed it! It's in NJ. Home of the tallest trash heap and the shortest escalator.

I guess it could have alternative uses...
Robert, install an escalator to man-town and I'll give you $20.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Blog Post Test

Blog blog blog. Blogging is fun

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Poem 1

When you're bored at summer camp, what else are you supposed to do them write poetry?

In the end, at the gate
Realize your waited fate
For deep inside I've sealed your doom
In the confines of a dusty room.
Body perish, soul does not
And all thy flesh shall slowly rot
And on your body, warm and hot
Shall I feast
For I am the beast.

Who says poems don't need to rhyme? Poems that don't rhyme stink.
This post is boring without a picture, so if someone has a fitting image (sunshine, rainbows, lolly pops, etc.) send it/them to me and I'll put it/them up.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Hiccups Stink

The hiccups are awful. I think that I should get a temporary handicapped sticker when I have the hiccups. I doubt that would cure me, or even make me feel a little better, but i would warn others to stay away, especially if I'm holding hot or sharp objects. Plus, I'd be able to park closer to stuff!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Million Dollar Ideas: Water Bed Pants

"Water bed pants. Here's how to order..." Without any explanation, they already have you sold. Everyone likes water beds, and everyone wears pants (you don't have to like them) so why not put them together!? They go together like peanut butter and jelly, a bow and arrow, and pepperoni on your tombstone. My only question is, why did no one think of this before?

That's right folks. They haven't been invented, because I'm a genius and the people who invent stuff are lesser geniuses. But enough about my awesomeness, and back to the product.

Water bed pants are like regular pants, but better! They have an outer layer the fills up with water, and an inner layer that keeps you dry. Every time you sit down, it's like you're sitting on a water bed! Hard chair = water bed. Rock = water bed. You can't loose! And that's not all.

Home made, PORTABLE aquarium!
(stick to gold fish and small turtles)

Life Preserver! Just fill them with air instead of water! It's that easy!

The possibilities are endless. I've got a few more that are fresh in my mind which do not have pictures.
  • The jello option
  • Helium legs
  • Shaved ice (requires a large freezer)
  • Water bed knee pads
Stop wearing boring pants, stop wearing a boring life.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Halloween, Santa Style

So how come nobody ever dresses up like Santa for Halloween? Don't little kids think he's scary? Why, who knows. Maybe they think he steals little boys and girls and makes them build toys in the north pole for food. That would be horrible. I can think of a few other reasons...

I think it would also give Santas some practice handing out candy. Think about this one people. The stores put out Christmas trees in October, so this would totally work. Trust me. I'm a professional.