Monday, December 6, 2010

Peanut butter jelly fish

This sandwich seems a little fishy to me...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Crazy vine ladies

Dancing Christmas Version

Friday, December 3, 2010

What are wreaths really for?

I still don't have an answer...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Spheno Palatine Gangleoneuralgia



ok, i'm better now

Monday, November 15, 2010

NHL Trivia: Atlanta Thrashers

I lied... No trivia. Only fun.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Porkins: The Rudolph of Star Wars

A distant relative of Jabba the Hut, Jek Porkins was never taken seriously by his squadron. His size earned him the role of social outcast, and was shunned by most others.

One his last mission, to destroy the Death Star, his X-Wing malfunctioned. Instead of covering him, or providing support, he was told to eject.

-- Eject. Into space. Without a space suit. --

Well, assuming that he wouldn't suffocate after the initial ejection from his X-Wing, what would happen next? His initial speed and gravity would probably send him hurling into a large hunk of metal, on the very objective that was to be destroyed.

He's got a bit more padding than most, so he may have a .001% higher chance of surviving the impact. If by the off chance he does survive, what next? Teleport back to the Enterprise? Break into the Death Star, steal a TIE Fighter, and fly back out to the fight (where you'd probably be blown up by an X-Wing)?? WHAT NEXT!?

Even after rounding up, his chances of survival after ejection were 0.00% His squad wanted him gone. Who knew that turbo laser could hit such a small target. If it happened again, he probably could have escaped unscathed, no thanks to the advice of his comrades.

The point is, Porkins never had a chance. He was large and smelled of eggs, and was hated for it. I'm surprised they didn't tell him to "ram the Death Star to disable their power grid" or some bs.

"Hey Porkins, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the wall and the mozzarella sticks?"
"You mean Shenanigans?"

Friday, October 29, 2010

Operation: Little League

I've been to the future, and I'm sure that you all know this by now. But one of my greatest and proudest moments as a father came from a date not to far ahead.

My son Joseph grew up to be a terrific baseball player. In the 4th grade, he played in an international league on the American team (duh.) This team was full of heroes:
  • Larry the all-star homerun hitter, but bad in the field
  • Franklin, the all-star shortstop, but a clutz at the plate
  • Sammy, the all-star pitcher, but he smelled really bad
But Joseph was great at all the aspects of the game AND didn't smell like a fart sandwich with extra mayo. He was the real hero of the team.

So it was the end of the season, and the American team was up against the infamous Indian team. They wore red and blue uniforms with large snake symbols on there chests and backs. Terrifying. Their team was made up of some pretty good players, but their main star was a kid by the name of Bra. He wasn't the best at bat or on the field, but he was crafty. His slyness and extraordinary leadership lead his team to an undefeated season to this point. Bra was our main threat to a flawless season.

On game day, Joseph and I got caught in a huge traffic jam on our way to the field in our hover car. When we finally arrived at the field, the game was in the last inning, and the American team was down by one run. Things weren't looking good. As we got to the dugout, one of the parents on the Indian's bleachers stood up, pointed at my son, and shouted in agony "Oh no! The real American hero! Joe is there!"

At that point the parents on each set of bleachers really got into the game. Joseph put on his helmet, took his bat and walked up to the plate. The bases were loaded, and Bra was pitching. The crowds started chanting. The American parents started to cheer on there number one star as the Indian's did the same. "Go Joe" and "Go Bra" were heard shouted back and forth. "Gooo Joe!" "Go-Bra!" "Goooooooo Joe!" GoBra!"

The pitch.

WHACK!!! Joseph clobbered it. The ball flew way over the heads of the Indian outfielders. In a rather high pitched and raspy voice, Bra yelled to his teammates "Retreat! Retreat! You must catch the ball from behind where you are now!" But it was too late. Home run! The American's have triumphed!

What a day... that will be

Oh, and after the game, one of the Indian's parents, dressed in mostly yellow and gold and a cape, attacked me. In a quick defensive move, I threw him onto the B.E.T. I remember the distinct smell of burnt serpent.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Million Dollar Ideas: iPood - For Babies

Are you tired of your baby not being as cool and hip as other babies on your block? Ever feel like the other babies are making fun of your baby because they have more toys and gadgets? Well worry no more! I've got a product that will say "I'm a techo-hip baby" and "My parents don't have to smell me" in one snazy gadget.

The iPood - For Babies

Go no longer with your nose in your child's diaper. The iPood sits comfortably in your babies diaper and offers an easy to read screen detailing every poopy moment. When the time comes, the iPood will play music and flash, alerting the 2 senses least appalled by baby feces, that it's time for a change.

This clever device also has a memory feature to record these moments for you to cherish and re-live when you find yourself missing "the baby years."

The "iPotted - For Older Folk" might not do as well, but the market is rich.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Google Taxi

Google has created a self driving car. Well, it's 'bout time.
Just check out the video below: (or Google it)

Google Computer-Driven Prius from Ben Tseitlin on Vimeo.

I must say. Driving while talking on the phone is really a gateway drug. First you talk, then you text, then you take video?!? I am a firm believer in technology and convergence, so lets go ahead and let our Android drive our cars. Computer driving sure beats what weak and foolish humans do on the roads every day. And can you imagine what this will do for RVs? Tractor trailers? The possibilities are endless!

I know... You'd be just as excited it it would also pump your gas.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Amid this blisteringly hot fall heatwave, I bring you a cool new game to play with your family and friends:

Hit It Like A Soccer Ball
-- A game that makes you use your head --

The game is played as follows:
  1. One player makes a snowball, and tosses it at their partners head.
  2. The other player tries to hit the snowball with their head.
  3. Players switch sides and repeat steps 1 and 2.

Behold! The perfect snowball:

The victim:


Remember that if you get tired and sit down, the game just becomes a snowball fight.

And robots are strong.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Pirates Like Cold Weather

That's right folks, it's September! The "R" [arrrrrr] months have returned. Time to remove the window ac units and put up the plastic covers. It's gonna get cold out there... in a few weeks... hopefully.

Think snowy thoughts! You can never start too early.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Love Food

I know what you're thinking. Needs more pepperoni.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Going to Mars

So why don't we go to mars? Here is a list of the usual complaints:
  • It's very far away
  • There is no oxygen
  • Martians hate Earthlings
I've figured out a solution to this first common complaint: Build a giant harpoon gun, and "reel her in, boys."

Okay, maybe my first plan was a little too "sci-fi" or "moby-dick" but I did come up with something that forced me to do math, and might actually work!

The whole deal is that we build a craft that can achieve a constant acceleration for a prolonged period of time. Then, half way through the trip, decelerate at the exact same constant for the exact same time. The constant could be set at 9.8m/s to simulate gravity on earth, thus avoiding space bone deterioration AND give the flight a home-ee feel.

Since there is no resistance in space, this should be a relatively easy feat of engineering. The Sun would be the most likely source of propulsion for more distant destinations, but a trip to Mars should offer a wider range of fuel options. I suggest a series of pulleys. (Pulleys are awesome, but I'll leave the fuel aspect *unknown* at this stage.)

So, on to the math:

First we need to figure out just how far we'd need to travel. Unfortunately, Mars is not always the same distance from earth, due to some unresolved orbital issues. The shortest distance is about 55 million kilometers away, and this distance only comes around ever gugillion Earth years.

So, in an effort to make this distance obtainable in the near future, we've set the distance at a modest 60 million kilometers.

***60,000,000,000m to Mars

Split that in half to figure out the speed achieved over that distance

Formula: v^2  = u^2 + 2as
DISTANCE: 30,000,000,000m
FINAL VELOCITY: 767,202m/s (1,716,181mph)

Calculate the time needed to reach that speed

Formula: v = u + at
FINAL VELOCITY: 767,202m/s
TIME: 78206s (21h 43m)

At this point in the trip to mars, the craft would turn around and accelerate at the same 9.8m/s in the opposite direction, causing the ship to slow to a stop at Mars, while maintaining that Earth like gravitational feel for the passengers and crew. (A brief moment of weightlessness may be necessary while turning the space craft.)

Multiply the TIME above by 2, and it would take less than 2 days to reach Mars. (~1 day 19 hours 27 minutes) Awesome!

And now you ask "What about 'common complaints' #2 and #3 from the top, supreme overlord?"

1) There is no oxygen
  • Fish can breath under water, so... Space Gill
2) Martians hate Earthlings
  • This problem will not present itself until we tax the first colonists for tea and stamps

Monday, July 5, 2010

What Flyers Fans Hate: Penguins

Do Flyers fans hate Penguins?

Yes. I think I heard some where that they do hate Penguins.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I'm Not the Only Genius

2008!!?? You mean I missed this million dollar idea by less than 2 years!?

This could also be fun with pets. I'd call it "Super Pet (cape not included)"
Think that idea's been taken? 

It's the Little Things

I've got 6 MPCs on a switch attached to my network. I copied about 2GB to each of them at the same time and utilized almost 8% of my network bandwidth! I don't think I've ever exceeded 2% before. I don't know why but today feels like it's going to be a great day! *sniff*

At this moment, my "coolness" factor is only exceeded by the girl above.
Oh how I yearn for brain controlled computers...

Friday, February 5, 2010


The end is near, but Kroger still has eggs.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Green Beans

Next time you eat green beans, watch. It's NASTY


Viral Comment

"Genial dispatch and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you on your information."

What the heck is this? At first I thought that someone had found my blog to be a goldmine of outside-of-the-box ideas, but then i got jealous, and wondered who could share my fame. Which brought me to "Genial dispatch."

A quick google search revealed nothing other then the exact same poor english comment by Mr. Anonymous. Way to get my hopes up, you toilet licking low life. Now I know I was just another victim of a viral comment.

And I like pizza