Monday, June 22, 2009

Craziest Day EVER

So I was walking down the street the other day minding my business when a school bus full of monkeys drove by. I thought it was very strange, but yelled "can i get a banana" and sure enough, a monkey threw me a banana from a window. What I didn't ask for followed the banana. It was feces!
The worst part about the whole thing was that I opened my mouth to catch the banana, but the poop was more aerodynamic and would hit me first.But all of the sudden, faster then a speeding bullet, a mysterious caped girl leaped from the bushes and headbutted the feces as it was only millimeters from my beautiful face. Dazed and confused with a mouth full of banana, I turned to see who my super sonic savior was. I only caught these two letters on her cape as she fled across the street. "P.F."

na na na na na na na na POOP FACE!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Shark Tank

If you were being chased by a tank, and you just couldn't out run it, you're screwed, unless...
Use the safety zone between the treads! Nothing can hurt you there. If by the off chance, you have a light saber, you can pull a Luke Skywalker and throw a thermal detonator inside while you're down there.

Seeing that I'd most likely be in the tank trying to run people over, I've been thinking of a way to make the safety zone unsafe. I have determined the most hazards solution is a row of sharks tied to the bottom side of the tank. They wouldn't be just any ol' sharks either. These sharks would be hungry, hungry for human flesh.So, would you rather be run over by the very large, very heavy tank or eaten by the man eating sharks?

Dream Jobs

Everyone dreams of their dream job as a kid (Fireman, Policeman, Astronaut, Yeomen Farmer) but they are often lame and rarely come true. I figured, since I'm all growed up, my dream occupations should change. So, here's my top 3:

3: Wage/Happiness Analyst
This job would consist of gradually increasing my salary, and documenting it's effect on my behavior and "feelings." With the left over money, I would buy you all cars. Geo Metros for everyone!
(Note the solid gold cane. Not a cripple, just classy)

2: Flying Car Crash Test Coordinator
Don't knock this job before you know what it entails. Setting up a regular crash test is no big deal. Put car A in front of car B and hit the gas. Smash, you've got a crash test. With the advent of flying cars right around the corner, someone's got to figure this crashing business out in 3D. I've got a few ideas floating around, mainly using water cannons. Life would be good.

1: Stab Tester (doing the stabbing, not being stabbed)
I think people should know how their knives hold up when compared to other knives in a stab-off. This could even become a tv show, like battle bots or iron chef. I can just see it now... "But can his knife stab through all three of the flowerpots AND the frozen watermelon? Stab tester, you have 1 minute to stab. GO!"
What would your dream job be? (That's your cue to comment)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

What is a horse shoe?

What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks?

NO. There are no horse socks. Why, you ask. Well, it has to do with the whole HORSES DON'T WEAR SHOES. "Horse shoes" look and function nothing like shoes. They are almost like sandals, but still way off. I'm really sick of people saying horse shoe this and horse shoe that. I think it should be changed to horse hoof plates. Aside from the rare few who would wonder why anyone would eat off something a horse's hoof had been on, there would be little confusion.
This new name would also make the game more fun. We all throw shoes (on our feet, into the closet, at our loved ones) but when do you ever throw plates? If I didn't have so many frisbees laying around, I probably would, but I consider that an exception. Kids around the globe would make this game the new hottest thing, like the iphone or my little pony. "Hey mom, I'm going out to throw plates with my friends!" Who could resist?
And where was Mr. Ed during all this naming business? The one horse that can talk human chooses to "not have an opinion" on the subject. If I were a horse, I would have kicked his big horse butt for letting this one slide. Oh phooey.

I think a horse sock should be the term for sock larger then soccer socks.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

BUG WARS: The Search for Allies

Bugs. They're mean, green, and largely unclean. What good are they anyway?
Bugs bug the crap out of me. They have declared war on the human race, and I say we respond to their devilish actions. Buzzing, biting and sucking the blood of those I hold dear. Enough is enough. Who's with me!?
In my quest to rid the world of the foul hell beasts we call "insects" I will need as much help as I can get. I've got the anteaters and the frogs on my side already. Unfortunately, their tongues are only a small step along the trail to victory.

I've paid off a few of the enemy to viciously attack their own. I gave the ladybugs double their lands in my back yard. The praying mantis' turned for much less.

One creature did show a great deal of potential for this epic war. The Smelly Pile, or who I call the Poop Monster, is a distant relative of the venus fly trap. It looks like a blob of poo poo and smells like one too.The smell attracts flies who can not resist the smell of fresh poop.
When the flies are over head, the poop monster shoots short range lightning bolts and fries their little wings off. The plumit into the warm steemy goo that is the poop monster where they will be slowly digested and used to attract more flies.

The bug war is on.


I like potatoes. They are so yummy in my tummy, and can be made into may different foods like:
  • french fries
  • mashed potatoes
  • hash browns
  • home fries
  • steak fries
  • french fries
  • pizza
And the list could go on and on. Unfortunately, potatoes just don't have any personality. I'm thinking that to add what they lack, I'm gonna open up a store that sells "Potatoes with Personality" and I'll name that store, "Plentiful Potatoes with Personality."

That's pretty much what I picture the store looking like. A big brick shop with a lot of potatoes inside. Should I paint the door green? I don't want anyone to get the impression any green vegetables are inside. I don't want to scare away my customers. Maybe I'll write on the door, "No Veggies Inside."

I think I'll get the potatoes from a potato farmer and cut out the middle man. If I can't find anyone who grows potatoes, I'll just go to Kroger. Then I'll take my marker, knife and doll clothes and start lathering on the personality. Here are a few ideas I've got so far:
This is Lonely Larry. Won't you be a pal and buy this lonely guy? If you don't, I'll peal off all his skin! and eat him! muhahahaha
Not everyone can pull of a monocle. Well, Monocle Max here does it quite... well. That's not just personality, that's class. Snazzy!
I was thinking I'd name this one either Holey Potato (Batman!) or Poop Assteroid. Instant classic!

I know what you're thinking. How can you get in on this crazy awesome plan to make money and cool potatoes? Well, you can start by finding out where I can find potato farmers. I don't think I've ever met one before. Do they give free samples? Do you have to pick/dig your own? I'm confused, and a little dizzy. I need a potato milk shake.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Welcome to The Internet

Yes, you've finally arrived. I know, it's been a long hard quest of surfing mindlessly dull web pages and blogs, but that is all over now. You've reached my blog (aka The Internet.)

The regular Internet stinks. It's like The Land Before Time. This is the Great Vally: the land of lush green fields and forests, crystal clear lakes and streams, and plenty of lesser dinosaurs to snack on.
It sure bets tar pits and Sharp Tooth. Anyways, your arduous journey has ended. Kick back and take a moment to bookmark this page, as to never get lost again. Once again, welcome.