Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Porkins: The Rudolph of Star Wars

A distant relative of Jabba the Hut, Jek Porkins was never taken seriously by his squadron. His size earned him the role of social outcast, and was shunned by most others.

One his last mission, to destroy the Death Star, his X-Wing malfunctioned. Instead of covering him, or providing support, he was told to eject.

-- Eject. Into space. Without a space suit. --

Well, assuming that he wouldn't suffocate after the initial ejection from his X-Wing, what would happen next? His initial speed and gravity would probably send him hurling into a large hunk of metal, on the very objective that was to be destroyed.

He's got a bit more padding than most, so he may have a .001% higher chance of surviving the impact. If by the off chance he does survive, what next? Teleport back to the Enterprise? Break into the Death Star, steal a TIE Fighter, and fly back out to the fight (where you'd probably be blown up by an X-Wing)?? WHAT NEXT!?

Even after rounding up, his chances of survival after ejection were 0.00% His squad wanted him gone. Who knew that turbo laser could hit such a small target. If it happened again, he probably could have escaped unscathed, no thanks to the advice of his comrades.

The point is, Porkins never had a chance. He was large and smelled of eggs, and was hated for it. I'm surprised they didn't tell him to "ram the Death Star to disable their power grid" or some bs.

"Hey Porkins, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the wall and the mozzarella sticks?"
"You mean Shenanigans?"

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